Two days ago I started something profound. I am pledging to quit drinking for the next 3 months. Now, I know that may not be that big of a deal to some people. Hell, pregnant ladies have to go 9 months or longer without the booze. I however, am not pregnant. I am a normal 24 year old female. By normal I am implying that I get drunk a few times per week. Seems natural for most people my age. I wouldn’t specifically call it a problem.. Though the hangovers and blackouts might beg to differ. I also only weigh around 108 lbs, so a couple of drinks should be plenty. Stopping at that “couple” proves to be the hard part. I usually drink a six pack of quality beer (that is to say it has a higher alc. content than most run of the mill beers such as Miller or Budweiser, double gag) to myself or a bottle of red wine alone. Yeah, I guess that’s a little excessive for someone of my stature.
I also feel like alcohol has had some role to play in the emotional cycles of my life. I go through deeply depressive stages sometimes. I’ll isolate myself and my self esteem just plummets. It’s like, I know the world is great and full of wonder – I can see it through this plexi-glass shield – but for the life of me I cannot break through to the lighter side. This happens more frequently than I’m willing to admit. Almost like the negativity is so ingrained, deep in my soul that I cannot escape myself when it rears it’s ugly head. I have all the tools needed for a healthy, happy life – yet I still get sucked into these patterns that I know I am ultimately in total control of. My boyfriend sees this internal struggle, no doubt, and bless his heart for sticking by me. I owe him a lot. 🙂
I am very aware that alcohol is a depressant. I am not aware, however, how greatly it has effected MY depression. Since I turned 21 I have been drinking quite heavily a few times per week. Not once have I attempted to quit completely for an extended amount of time. This is something I feel like I need to do though. I think that getting rid of alcohol, or at least for the time being, will allow me to delve deep within myself and find that ball of light that I know is shining luminously. I can really dig and hopefully find the root cause of these issues that have plagued me for so long. I can also learn to better control my impulses and addictive qualities. After all, alcoholism, albeit socially acceptable in our culture, is not something to be taken lightly. It is a powerful, mental and mood altering substance. A drug. Not the kind that was grown organically either. Never once have I blacked out or gotten into a car accident from smoking too much. Why alcohol is legal and marijuana is not is still beyond me. Like the late, great Bill Hicks once stated, “Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory.” I think he was on to something… 🙂
I’ll keep you posted on this sobriety endeavor. I know certain times will be very trying, but I have complete faith in myself. Like my 2 years sober co-worker said yesterday, “It’s all in your head.” That and so much more….
Time to get baked! 🙂